Lonely Girl in a Lonely World: The Trip That Started It All
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In 2023 I was itching to go somewhere — anywhere — that wasn’t in my own country of residence. I’d been feeling cooped up for many years — owing to a combination of COVID-19 and my ACL surgery (which actually aligned great together) — and while I was a relatively successful arts contractor, the last job I picked up just didn’t excite me.
So, when the newsletter came for the second edition of Passion, Play, and Pleasure in Portugal, I was determined to go. I knew the PPP dance retreat would be just what I needed, and, gee — was I blown away.
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I’ll share details of the retreat in another article, but for now, I’ll say that no words can encapsulate the magnitude of sheer joy I experienced there. It was unbelievable. Magical. Enlightening.
It reiterated to me that there are two things I want to do most in this life: dance and travel.
Once I got home, I set the cogs in motion to change my life and achieve my travel dreams. I applied to international open calls and jobs, and eventually I quit all my part-time jobs (keeping my freelance ones). The whole process took about three months, but finally in October 2023, I took off again for Europe on the first leg of my solo “world tour.”
Since then I’ve been to Berlin, various parts of Italy, London, and the Finnish Arctic Circle. The time I’ve spent wandering around, reflecting, and taking care of myself has both challenged and reaffirmed my perspectives. It’s been the most incredible of times and also the lowest (thank you, Dickens) — I never could have imagined solo travelling would be like this until I did it myself.
Cue the loneliness.
I’m not typically a person who has any problem being alone. Even with my best friends, I sometimes go months without contact. In the moments I do feel lonely (there’s a difference!) in my daily life, the flow of work or dance usually pushes it aside.
By myself in a foreign country, I’ve had to sit with a very newfound kind of loneliness — the kind that almost cripples you in its intensity. One day in Berlin, I was hit by a huge wave of said loneliness, and I found myself at odds on what to do about it.
I ended up asking a friend who lives in Berlin if she wanted to meet for dinner, and she invited me over to her place for a homecooked meal and, later, to stay the night. The whole ordeal gave me a deeper understanding of why people want a family of their own so much — someplace to return to at the end of the night with loved ones waiting for you, a hug and a kiss in the mix.
I realized that the reason I could go solo all the time back home was because subconsciously I knew I had my parents and close friends and a permanent home. I had my jobs, and I had dance studios I visited regularly. I was caught up in the workflow of city life.
Once I extricated myself from that, it really became a free-for-all.
My acting teacher often tells us that “to be an actor, you have to experience a lot.” You must have “a well of emotions” to draw upon. His words resonated with me as I took in the sights and sounds of each place, encountering not just new landscapes but new parts of myself that never had the chance to come out before. As I told him later, it’s been a wild ride, but I think I’ve come out better for it.
And that’s all anyone can ask for in life-changing experiences, isn’t it? To come out better at the end of it.
To come closer to the music of the universe.
To find light, hope, and wonder again.
Even the end is not the end, just a chance for evolution.
I’m sitting here in my pink, fluffy bathrobe now, tucked away in a corner of my house, typing all this out. I’m dreaming already of the places I’ll go, and the people I’ll meet — and meet again!
I do this with the clear knowledge now that it’ll be hard sometimes — so very hard!!! — and I’ll feel loneliness like I’ve never felt before, wishing that I could just be home with familiar faces and familiar streets. I do this knowing that if I could do it all again, I absolutely would.
And that’s when you know that something is worth holding on to.
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