b12 Berlin Festival for Contemporary Dance: Week 3 Diary
Daily musings from a dancer.
Photo by Lonely Girl, Lonely World.
b12 Festival for Contemporary Dance and Performance Art (officially stylized in all lowercase) is an annual dance festival every July in Berlin, Germany. A training ground for professional-level dancers, the Festival offers more than 70+ research workshops, along with somatic, yoga, and outreach classes; free improv sessions; performance projects; and more. Their slogan is, “Research or die.”
I attended b12 from July 1 - 28, 2024.
Dancers come from all over the world to attend b12. It’s one of the most comprehensive dance festivals in the world. But what is it actually like? From the head and experience of an extroverted-introvert dance artist from Canada, solo in Berlin, here’s my story:
Week 3: July 14 - 20, 2024.
July 14 — Still the same intense workshop as yesterday, only wayyyy more frustration on my part. Yesterday at least I could keep up, albeit with some struggling.
Today? I think my brain gave out before my body did. After that, it was over. I didn’t have the heart to continue by the 2-hour mark (of a 3.5-hour class), especially since the acro-flow sequences got harder and harder. Rolls and tucks I never learned how to do, even in my formal education as a dancer.
I wanted to sit out the first sequence already, but the teacher encouraged me to join the marking at least, so I did. And I ended up doing the sequence with music with them too. So, yay! But the next sequence…
I ended up stepping out to splash my face with cold water after catching myself before the tears started to run, and then let them run anyway outside, where I had some privacy.
It wasn’t just the class. It was the buildup of frustration and a lot of sadness from personal reasons. It tipped me over. Then I just relaxed in a hammock chair for half an hour in the warm afternoon sun, blue sky and clouds moving slowly overhead, trying to calm my nervous system down.
After I put myself together enough, I headed back to the studio to observe for the rest of class. Watching the others was inspiring, truly, and I asked to film one of them for a breakdown of the sequence later. Still, I couldn’t help being hard with myself, thinking, Should I really be here?
I wasn’t the only one who decided to step back. Program descriptions are a confusing thing. Dancers especially like to go all flowery with what’s going to be presented or taught, but really a simple “take notice” of what specific technical skills we’d learn or would need to know would’ve been nice.
July 15 — Today was much better, both mentally and performatively for me.
I do think the teacher toned it down a bit, though, since the acro movements weren’t as demanding, I feel. Regardless, I made it through the whole class today, and I even felt quite good about myself, especially during the first sequence (the second one, of course, got harder). Some videographers came in today to film the class unannounced, which always lends a bit of extra pressure to do well.
My gosh. The bruises I have from this workshop are INSANE. To be fair, I also bruise very easily, but I am still black and blue on every joint. Someone tell me if I’m doing something wrong.
At night, I had a much-needed dinner date with a b12 friend at Babel, right opposite the Dock11 theatre where all the performance projects are shown. Awesome food aside, we also had awesome conversation, and I was finally able to let loose some pent-up emotions that’d been brewing inside me for a while.
Good friendship may just be the cure for everything.
I also purposely only brought a couple coins and my phone with me, and for the first time while travelling, I skipped home with no bags on me at all. (A HUGE relief from lugging essentially my whole suitcase with me to rehearsal everyday so we could coordinate costumes.)
July 16 — No morning rehearsal today, so I went back to Joe Nimble to perhaps exchange my shoes, since I realized they accidentally sold me a “male-female” pair. Ironically, the solely female and solely male ones didn’t fit well for some reason, and I ended up keeping the male-female ones.
I think being able to finally relax last night at dinner brought on a sudden onset of mental and physical tiredness. Every time I discover a new kind of exhaustion.
Two delays on the tram made me 20 minutes late for afternoon class. The entire way there, I struggled to keep my eyes open; my head was spinning. I skirted quietly along the side of the wall to the teacher and asked if it’d be too distracting for me to just sit and watch today. He told me I could, so I observed for a while and spent some time sitting outside in one of the hammock chairs again.
It’s the kind of exhaustion that leaves you weak, but the sunlight streaming through tree leaves and the gently blowing wind helped a bit.
In the evening, I tried a döner for the first time ever from one of those hole-in-the-wall takeaway stands. For 6 EUR, the portion was well worth it. The döner tasted nice (especially the sauce), but it didn’t wow me to the point that I would pick up another one soon.
Today was a know-your-limits-and-prioritize-self-care type of day.
July 17 — First rehearsal at Dock11. We spent some time in the theatre and then moved to the studio onsite after a quick break. Our choreographer and one of the dancers thought “studio” meant the one at eden*****studios, and they made the trek all the way back there before realizing their mistake!
Fortunately, the rest of rehearsal went well, and one of the girls and I grabbed lunch at a great vegan place called CAI Kitchen Berlin — Szechuan Vegan Bistro.
My hip bruises are darkening and looking even worse, even though I know that means they’re in the process of healing. Everyone I’ve shown the photos to have been shocked.
Later, my flatmate and I spent some rare time together with dinner at Han West — Home of Dumplings before walking around Tempelhofer Feld for a while. Again, the tears flooded. Again, great food and great conversation may just be the cure for all heartbreak.
We lay down on my yoga mat back home and continued talking random fun amidst a plethora of YouTube videos. Is this what having a sister is like?
July 18 — Really volatile day for me. I’m an emotional wreck. In fact, I’ve been an emotional wreck for the past several days, but today the dam broke on even more unspoken feelings.
I really hate my solo in the performance project. It has nothing to do with the whole piece itself or the structure or anything. I just don’t like my movements.
This solo was set from a 90-second improv on day 1. It didn’t feel right then, and it doesn’t feel right now.
My mind wants to convey one thing, but my body almost always conveys another. It’s the vocabulary. I can’t express what I want to express with my current vocabulary. Or, sometimes I have the vocabulary, but the task of “improv-ing” scares it away, and I’m left with old habits.
My choreographer said to trust myself and trust my presence. I have such a strong presence, and when he watches, there are moments in there that are so interesting.
But I just don’t like it. He said I don’t have to be graceful or beautiful onstage. It’s not that. I don’t need to come off as graceful or beautiful or flowy. I just want different vocabulary from myself, from the things I always do.
It’s been a long week of frustration.
I feel like I can’t do his movements when he tried adding some for me. I feel like I don’t have the core or the balance or the skill. I feel like, I feel like, I feel like.
Adrenaline rush during the improv, and now that it’s set, I don’t know where the momentum comes from.
My choreographer was very supportive and understanding.
After a long, lengthy chat with tears streaming down my face, we parted on good terms with a consensus to try out some new ideas in rehearsal tomorrow. I slid down by the wall outside and called up a friend back home to hear a familiar voice.
I know I need to do something, force myself to create something, think something through.
I’ve always hated choreography class.
My gut is bloated again because I’m still trying to keep too much in, as much as so much is already out.
I feel tired.
My knee aches. It’s been aching for the past several days, but particularly today after I got home. I was worried, but now it’s slightly better again. I’ve had this set of KT tape on for a week now.
Alright, let’s bite the bullet and think this through. Just press play. Let’s think this through.
July 19 — Morning rehearsal, dress rehearsal, and the first performance.
After sleeping on it and receiving some material from my choreographer, we tried out a new format for me for my solo. I’ll keep some set material that we both like and improv the rest, so each night would be different. I feel much more comfortable and confident with this.
Dress rehearsal and the first performance both went well (my flatmate came to see it!). Our choreographer showered us with compliments afterward, how the material has finally become ours, and it’s turning into something even greater. We went out for a celebratory dinner and drinks at The future is up to you (yes, this is how it’s stylized). Everyone went home pretty happy that night. :)
July 20 — Matinee and evening shows today.
Like all the rest of Berlin, the warm-up studio and theatre don’t have air conditioning, but I think it’s great. I never felt totally warmed up before performances in Toronto, and often I wondered if I just didn’t know how to warm up properly. Now I’ve realized it could be as simple as a temperature fix.
I went through several full-body exercises and kept moving before the shows. The heat helped loosen up my joints, and for the first time in my career, I felt 99% relaxed and ready to step onstage.
Note to self: no desserts of any kind before a show, even if they’re vegan. I had some stomach upset after grabbing a slice of chocolate vegan cake that thankfully didn’t present itself during the show but came back afterwards.
Both performances went super well, and our choreographer couldn’t be happier with the result. Amongst ourselves, too, we can see the highlights and improvements we’ve made. There are so many good things passed around and complimented on between us to each other. <3
The atmosphere is a good one. Two more shows to go!
Weekend Summary: This week was full of ups and downs. A lot of hidden feelings came to light, and I think it’s good that they came out when they did. Nothing like some catharsis to ground yourself for the emotional and physical challenges of performing.
Plus, I can now say I’ve performed in Berlin, and I’m not opposed to flexing that a bit ;)
Photo by Lonely Girl, Lonely World.